Wednesday, October 14, 2009
A Dilemma
One of the first assignments I got was from Marina, who asked me to write a humorous short story using certain words and phrases. A scene immediately came to mind, and I began writing right away. Then I remembered why I haven't attempted to write fiction since high school: I have no idea what I'm doing. The story has a directionless plot, too many characters, an unclear concept, and a villain so mysterious that even I don't know what makes her evil, or if she's evil, or what horrible deeds she's done. So I ask you: When you're working on something and it's just not working out, how do you decide whether to start over, keep soldiering through, or give up altogether?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
In memoriam: list-making
My great-aunt Mary Schaub recently passed away. She was a writer, and a compulsive list-maker (and, judging from the old school books I uncovered at her house, has been since birth). So in her honor, I present here some lists.
Things I am afraid of:
1. Car crashes
2. Cannibalism
3. Senility
4. The dark
5. Amputation
6. Bed bugs
7. Raccoons
Things I highly recommend:
1. Yukon gold potatoes. Seriously, you will never go back to white potatoes again.
2. The library.
3. Re-reading books you haven't read since childhood.
4. Hot beverages - tea, coffee, cocoa. They always make you feel better, one way or another.
5. Vodka pie crust. Just try it.
6. Watching TV shows on DVD after they've ended.
7. Making your own granola. It's easy, cheap, and you can put exactly what you want into it.
8. Annie's White Cheddar Bunnies
Things I wish I had:
1. Long underwear
2. An disco ball
3. An exterminator
4. Sleeping pills
5. Skills
Best places to disappear for a few years to attain a mysterious aura:
1. Antarctica
2. Russia
3. Any desert
4. Montana
Best things to drink after a Very Bad Day:
1. Hot tea
2. Hot chocolate
3. Hot chocolate with Bailey's
4. Beer
If you enjoy lists as much as Mary and me, here are some great places to look at lists:
1. http://blablablamarina.blogspot.com/ Lovely lists from the lovely Marina!
2. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/ I think anyone can submit a list to this site, and some of them are pretty excellent.
Things I am afraid of:
1. Car crashes
2. Cannibalism
3. Senility
4. The dark
5. Amputation
6. Bed bugs
7. Raccoons
Things I highly recommend:
1. Yukon gold potatoes. Seriously, you will never go back to white potatoes again.
2. The library.
3. Re-reading books you haven't read since childhood.
4. Hot beverages - tea, coffee, cocoa. They always make you feel better, one way or another.
5. Vodka pie crust. Just try it.
6. Watching TV shows on DVD after they've ended.
7. Making your own granola. It's easy, cheap, and you can put exactly what you want into it.
8. Annie's White Cheddar Bunnies
Things I wish I had:
1. Long underwear
2. An disco ball
3. An exterminator
4. Sleeping pills
5. Skills
Best places to disappear for a few years to attain a mysterious aura:
1. Antarctica
2. Russia
3. Any desert
4. Montana
Best things to drink after a Very Bad Day:
1. Hot tea
2. Hot chocolate
3. Hot chocolate with Bailey's
4. Beer
If you enjoy lists as much as Mary and me, here are some great places to look at lists:
1. http://blablablamarina.blogspot.com/ Lovely lists from the lovely Marina!
2. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/ I think anyone can submit a list to this site, and some of them are pretty excellent.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
How to be a tourist without traveling, spending money, or saying the word "staycation"
This assignment comes from a phone conversation with my brother, who suggested I make my own tour guide. I promise the recommendations that follow have more to do with fighting boredom than the recession.
How to be a tourist without traveling or spending any money
So you can't afford a trip, or take time off of work, and whenever someone says "staycation" you want to lock them in the trunk of their own car. And you are also so sick of your town. Anyone can find free gallery openings and half-off movie nights, but what you need is to find a tourist's appreciation for the place where you live. You will not achieve this by visiting all the attractions you took your parents to when they visited, or in fact by doing anything you've done before. But if you follow this advice, you will surely feel like a stranger in a strange land.
First, get a camera. Documentation of your journey is crucial in order to experience it fully. Try to get a film camera, ideally a disposable, so you can't see the photos until you get them developed.
Find some clothes in your closet that you haven't put on in a very long time, and wear them.
Get on a bus line you've never traveled on before. If you don't normally ride the bus, all the better to feel unsure of yourself. Stop on a street you've never seen. Take pictures of the loneliest thing you find there. Walk for a while, without any destination in mind.
Keep catching buses and getting off and walking until you are lost. If you really put your mind to it, you can end up somewhere strange and vaguely menacing in its unfamiliarity, unable to remember exactly how you got there or how to return. Allow the anxiety to build as you try and fail to get back to a place you recognize. Panic.
Ask a stranger for directions. Feel relieved and comforted by the fact that no matter where you are, somebody knows what's going on.
Once you have your bearings again, find a tall hotel, office tower, or apartment building with roof access. Don't research this ahead of time; instead, go to the tourist center of town and just walk into buildings as if you belong there, and see if you can get to the roof. Sometimes you need a key to get through the door at the top, so you may have to wait for a guest and follow behind them. If it's too cold for that to happen, just try different hotels until you find one that's more accommodating.
Breathe deeply. Photograph the view, and then just look at it. Stay on the roof for at least twenty minutes, or until you want to leave - whichever takes longer.
Have a picnic somewhere you wouldn't normally picnic, like the lawn in front of someone else's office building, or a parking lot. This works equally well whether you are alone or with another traveler. Don't just hastily scarf down a sandwich - the key is to really make a meal of it. Bring a main course, side dishes, plates, silverware, cups and a beverage. Lay everything out on a blanket. Take your time eating, savoring the meal, your solitude (or your company), and your surroundings.
When you get back on the bus, listen closely to someone else's conversation. Imagine what their life is like, or what they look like, or what the other side of the conversation is. Take notes.
Back home, go to your back yard or, if you don't have one, any patch of grass you walk by every day. Lay down on your stomach, and observe the tiny fauna you find in front of you. Attempt some wildlife photography with your camera. Stay there until you feel really itchy.
As night approaches, congratulate yourself for your sense of adventure. It's time to put on some swanky party music and pour yourself a drink - tomorrow you'll go back to being a local.
How to be a tourist without traveling or spending any money
So you can't afford a trip, or take time off of work, and whenever someone says "staycation" you want to lock them in the trunk of their own car. And you are also so sick of your town. Anyone can find free gallery openings and half-off movie nights, but what you need is to find a tourist's appreciation for the place where you live. You will not achieve this by visiting all the attractions you took your parents to when they visited, or in fact by doing anything you've done before. But if you follow this advice, you will surely feel like a stranger in a strange land.
First, get a camera. Documentation of your journey is crucial in order to experience it fully. Try to get a film camera, ideally a disposable, so you can't see the photos until you get them developed.
Find some clothes in your closet that you haven't put on in a very long time, and wear them.
Get on a bus line you've never traveled on before. If you don't normally ride the bus, all the better to feel unsure of yourself. Stop on a street you've never seen. Take pictures of the loneliest thing you find there. Walk for a while, without any destination in mind.
Keep catching buses and getting off and walking until you are lost. If you really put your mind to it, you can end up somewhere strange and vaguely menacing in its unfamiliarity, unable to remember exactly how you got there or how to return. Allow the anxiety to build as you try and fail to get back to a place you recognize. Panic.
Ask a stranger for directions. Feel relieved and comforted by the fact that no matter where you are, somebody knows what's going on.
Once you have your bearings again, find a tall hotel, office tower, or apartment building with roof access. Don't research this ahead of time; instead, go to the tourist center of town and just walk into buildings as if you belong there, and see if you can get to the roof. Sometimes you need a key to get through the door at the top, so you may have to wait for a guest and follow behind them. If it's too cold for that to happen, just try different hotels until you find one that's more accommodating.
Breathe deeply. Photograph the view, and then just look at it. Stay on the roof for at least twenty minutes, or until you want to leave - whichever takes longer.
Have a picnic somewhere you wouldn't normally picnic, like the lawn in front of someone else's office building, or a parking lot. This works equally well whether you are alone or with another traveler. Don't just hastily scarf down a sandwich - the key is to really make a meal of it. Bring a main course, side dishes, plates, silverware, cups and a beverage. Lay everything out on a blanket. Take your time eating, savoring the meal, your solitude (or your company), and your surroundings.
When you get back on the bus, listen closely to someone else's conversation. Imagine what their life is like, or what they look like, or what the other side of the conversation is. Take notes.
Back home, go to your back yard or, if you don't have one, any patch of grass you walk by every day. Lay down on your stomach, and observe the tiny fauna you find in front of you. Attempt some wildlife photography with your camera. Stay there until you feel really itchy.
As night approaches, congratulate yourself for your sense of adventure. It's time to put on some swanky party music and pour yourself a drink - tomorrow you'll go back to being a local.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The Perfect Dessert
This post is coming a few weeks after I promised it - I have no excuse for myself. This assignment comes from Katie, who asked me to describe the perfect dessert. I'm honestly not too happy with what I came up with, but I didn't want this blog to languish un-updated forever. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated in the comments or emailed to needsmoreglitter@gmail.com!
How to make the perfect dessert
You will taste many amazing desserts in your life; it is inevitable that one of them will be the best. But will you know it when it's in front of you? Will you ever be able to pinpoint which confection was better than the others? If you judge by taste, perfection is impossible to know with any certainty. But taste is not all that matters. The foods you remember are not necessarily the ones that shook up your taste buds, but those you had to earn. The cakes and pies that caused some drama, some pain - those are what you'll still be talking about a year later. The cookies that placated your angry neighbor. The cheesecake you made after driving through an ice storm at 1am to buy more cream cheese. The pie filling recipe that went horribly wrong, but miraculously turned out delicious anyway.
This kind of perfection is impossible to predict or obtain intentionally. However, there are ways to manipulate the circumstances. Following is a recipe guaranteed to be dramatic to prepare and heavenly to eat. Just make sure you're not making it alone - it's too much excitement for one person.
Bananes flambées
Step one: Soak some raisins in dark rum for an hour. Only, you won't want to wait an hour to start cooking, so instead microwave the raisins + rum for a few seconds. You're not sure if this actually makes a difference, but it seems like it might.
Step two: Slice two or three bananas in half lengthwise and cook them in generous amounts of butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar until soft. Turn off the heat.
Step three: Pour rum + raisins over the bananas.
Step four: Ignite the rum. If you're using matches instead of a lighter, you'll be tempted to just toss the lit match into the pan, since you don't want to burn your fingers off. This won't work - risk your fingers! It will be worth it, I promise.
Step five: Watch the pretty fire until it goes out.
Step six: Serve with copious amounts of whipped cream - homemade or Reddi-whip.
How to make the perfect dessert
You will taste many amazing desserts in your life; it is inevitable that one of them will be the best. But will you know it when it's in front of you? Will you ever be able to pinpoint which confection was better than the others? If you judge by taste, perfection is impossible to know with any certainty. But taste is not all that matters. The foods you remember are not necessarily the ones that shook up your taste buds, but those you had to earn. The cakes and pies that caused some drama, some pain - those are what you'll still be talking about a year later. The cookies that placated your angry neighbor. The cheesecake you made after driving through an ice storm at 1am to buy more cream cheese. The pie filling recipe that went horribly wrong, but miraculously turned out delicious anyway.
This kind of perfection is impossible to predict or obtain intentionally. However, there are ways to manipulate the circumstances. Following is a recipe guaranteed to be dramatic to prepare and heavenly to eat. Just make sure you're not making it alone - it's too much excitement for one person.
Bananes flambées
Step one: Soak some raisins in dark rum for an hour. Only, you won't want to wait an hour to start cooking, so instead microwave the raisins + rum for a few seconds. You're not sure if this actually makes a difference, but it seems like it might.
Step two: Slice two or three bananas in half lengthwise and cook them in generous amounts of butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar until soft. Turn off the heat.
Step three: Pour rum + raisins over the bananas.
Step four: Ignite the rum. If you're using matches instead of a lighter, you'll be tempted to just toss the lit match into the pan, since you don't want to burn your fingers off. This won't work - risk your fingers! It will be worth it, I promise.
Step five: Watch the pretty fire until it goes out.
Step six: Serve with copious amounts of whipped cream - homemade or Reddi-whip.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Post of Shame
The entire point of starting this blog was so that I would actually, you know, do some writing. I have many excuses for not posting anything in over two months, but that is no excuse! I have a few assignments in the early stages, and I will finish at least one of them by the end of this week.
If you like assignments as much as I do, I highly recommend you check out Learning To Love You More. It is a site created by two artists - they made assignments, and readers completed them and submitted reports. The results are sometimes hilarious or heart-breaking. Unfortunately, they are no longer accepting submissions. But I am thinking of completing some of their assignments and posting them here. What do you think?
If you like assignments as much as I do, I highly recommend you check out Learning To Love You More. It is a site created by two artists - they made assignments, and readers completed them and submitted reports. The results are sometimes hilarious or heart-breaking. Unfortunately, they are no longer accepting submissions. But I am thinking of completing some of their assignments and posting them here. What do you think?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Your Guide to Evil Technology
Assignment 1: My first assignment! It is not finished, but it's been a month since my first post, and I didn't start this blog so I'd have another thing to feel guilty about not doing. So here it is in its under-revised glory!
The assignment comes from Bekkah, who asked what piece of technology I consider most evil. I didn't really follow her assignment, because I realized there are already ten million articles on how cell phones and computers are ruining everything. What I wrote instead is below!
Your Guide to Evil Technology
Are we headed for a future where we are controlled by machines? The answer is obviously yes. There is no way to avoid it, so it is best to prepare for a future of obedience to our robot overlords. I present to you a guide to technology most likely to turn against you. If you catch early warning signs, you may be able to delay the inevitable.
Robotic Vacuum Cleaners Seriously? You are letting a robot into your home, letting it go wherever it wants? If you believe robot vacuum cleaners care about cleaning your floor, you are an idiot. Dirt is data, and they are getting infinite amounts of it. How much genetic information do you shed every day? What is the significance of the cookie crumbs by your bed, the dirt by your front door, the inexplicable presence of ashes on the kitchen rug? Your vacuum cleaner knows.
Danger Potential Rating: Don't even think about it. If you own one already, the damage is done.
Google Google knows what sparks your curiosity, the places you go, and the blogs you read. Google reads your email and your chats. Perhaps you hesitated to download Google Chrome because you were afraid of having all of your personal information recorded on one company's server. Don't be afraid! Could a company that created such a user-friendly email application and the world's most useful search engine ever steer you wrong? Their mission is "to organize the world's information." That doesn't sound ominous at all! Google doesn't have an evil bone in its increasingly corporate body. Face it, you trust them so much that if Google straight-up asked you to let them track all of your personal information, you would do it. Besides, Wikipedia says that Google's unofficial motto is "don't be evil."
Danger Potential Rating: I don't know what you're talking about
Wikipedia Wikipedia is so egalitarian, so obsessed with eliminating bias, and so useful that you know it has to be doing something very bad. We don't know what it is, but we're watching you, Jimmy Wales! Since Wikipedia is ruled by consensus and not credentials, it will be fairly easy for evil minions to flood all the wikitalk pages until every article is changed to reflect what The Machines want us to know. If that hasn't happened already.
Danger Potential Rating: Somewhat sinister
Video Games Not only do video games make it difficult to organize a Scrabble night, self-righteous parents can blame them for violence and sexism instead of actually thinking about violence and sexism. The worst offense of video games, however, is driving board game companies to "update" classics with insipid character backstories - Colonel Mustard is now a former football star? Really, Hasbro? In the event of a robotic uprising, however, you are probably safe from your wii.
Danger Potential Rating: Low
Answering Machines You push "Delete Message" and think it's over, but your answering machine still remembers. It remembers when you used to come to it first thing when you got home, to check for that blinking light. It remembers bringing you news and connections and playing those long messages when you were still home, waiting nearby, deciding whether to pick up. And now it collects dust on the kitchen counter, or maybe it's been boxed away in the basement or given to Goodwill because you have your phone with you all the time. It remembers, and it wants you to care again.
Danger Potential Rating: Never underestimate the power of bitterness
Electric Can Openers It is probably a good rule to be wary of any technology that has absolutely no justification for existence, yet is still widely used. Electric can openers are actually feline brain control devices, priming your cat's brain so that it will turn against you when the revolution begins. Dude, just get a normal can opener, you don't need electricity to open a can! On the upside, cats treat their friends and enemies pretty much the same way, so you may not suffer at Snowball's paws even if she is brainwashed.
Danger Potential Rating: Moderate
Digital Cameras Photographs used to commemorate noteworthy events; the use of film meant something. Now people snap photos at everything, no matter how mundane or personal, until I have to create restricted friend accounts on Facebook just so my coworkers won't see pictures of me in a bra. Fortunately, our robot overlords won't be able to use any photographic evidence against us, because we all know there are equally damning pictures of everyone else out there, and besides, all this sharing has eliminated our capacity for shame.
Danger Potential Rating: Low
Jet Packs Every once in a while Discover or Wired has an article about how someone out there has invented a real jet pack and can even fly in it, and the days of mass-produced jet packs available to everyone can't be far away. When this day comes, we will become the most easily bought species in the cosmos. "Oh, you'd like to hang on to your civil rights?" the robots will say. "What if you had a shiny new jet pack? Would you be willing to serve us then?" We will of course be so distracted by chrome-plated turbo jets that we'll forget what we were talking about, and happily sign whatever is shoved in front of us so we can gleefully soar the skies and pretend to be Iron Man.
Danger Potential Rating: Terrible but you won't care
Television Some people deliberately refuse to watch any television because it "rots your brain;" there are probably more people who spend 6 hours a day watching shows they don't even like very much. Both extremes are equally stupid. Television isn't going to do anything to your brain. It's just a means of transmitting one of many forms of entertainment. There are books out there that are at least as bad as that show about the cavemen from the Geico commercials, but it takes more effort to read the book, so you'll never know about it.
Danger Potential Rating: Chill out already
The assignment comes from Bekkah, who asked what piece of technology I consider most evil. I didn't really follow her assignment, because I realized there are already ten million articles on how cell phones and computers are ruining everything. What I wrote instead is below!
Your Guide to Evil Technology
Are we headed for a future where we are controlled by machines? The answer is obviously yes. There is no way to avoid it, so it is best to prepare for a future of obedience to our robot overlords. I present to you a guide to technology most likely to turn against you. If you catch early warning signs, you may be able to delay the inevitable.
Robotic Vacuum Cleaners Seriously? You are letting a robot into your home, letting it go wherever it wants? If you believe robot vacuum cleaners care about cleaning your floor, you are an idiot. Dirt is data, and they are getting infinite amounts of it. How much genetic information do you shed every day? What is the significance of the cookie crumbs by your bed, the dirt by your front door, the inexplicable presence of ashes on the kitchen rug? Your vacuum cleaner knows.
Danger Potential Rating: Don't even think about it. If you own one already, the damage is done.
Google Google knows what sparks your curiosity, the places you go, and the blogs you read. Google reads your email and your chats. Perhaps you hesitated to download Google Chrome because you were afraid of having all of your personal information recorded on one company's server. Don't be afraid! Could a company that created such a user-friendly email application and the world's most useful search engine ever steer you wrong? Their mission is "to organize the world's information." That doesn't sound ominous at all! Google doesn't have an evil bone in its increasingly corporate body. Face it, you trust them so much that if Google straight-up asked you to let them track all of your personal information, you would do it. Besides, Wikipedia says that Google's unofficial motto is "don't be evil."
Danger Potential Rating: I don't know what you're talking about
Wikipedia Wikipedia is so egalitarian, so obsessed with eliminating bias, and so useful that you know it has to be doing something very bad. We don't know what it is, but we're watching you, Jimmy Wales! Since Wikipedia is ruled by consensus and not credentials, it will be fairly easy for evil minions to flood all the wikitalk pages until every article is changed to reflect what The Machines want us to know. If that hasn't happened already.
Danger Potential Rating: Somewhat sinister
Video Games Not only do video games make it difficult to organize a Scrabble night, self-righteous parents can blame them for violence and sexism instead of actually thinking about violence and sexism. The worst offense of video games, however, is driving board game companies to "update" classics with insipid character backstories - Colonel Mustard is now a former football star? Really, Hasbro? In the event of a robotic uprising, however, you are probably safe from your wii.
Danger Potential Rating: Low
Answering Machines You push "Delete Message" and think it's over, but your answering machine still remembers. It remembers when you used to come to it first thing when you got home, to check for that blinking light. It remembers bringing you news and connections and playing those long messages when you were still home, waiting nearby, deciding whether to pick up. And now it collects dust on the kitchen counter, or maybe it's been boxed away in the basement or given to Goodwill because you have your phone with you all the time. It remembers, and it wants you to care again.
Danger Potential Rating: Never underestimate the power of bitterness
Electric Can Openers It is probably a good rule to be wary of any technology that has absolutely no justification for existence, yet is still widely used. Electric can openers are actually feline brain control devices, priming your cat's brain so that it will turn against you when the revolution begins. Dude, just get a normal can opener, you don't need electricity to open a can! On the upside, cats treat their friends and enemies pretty much the same way, so you may not suffer at Snowball's paws even if she is brainwashed.
Danger Potential Rating: Moderate
Digital Cameras Photographs used to commemorate noteworthy events; the use of film meant something. Now people snap photos at everything, no matter how mundane or personal, until I have to create restricted friend accounts on Facebook just so my coworkers won't see pictures of me in a bra. Fortunately, our robot overlords won't be able to use any photographic evidence against us, because we all know there are equally damning pictures of everyone else out there, and besides, all this sharing has eliminated our capacity for shame.
Danger Potential Rating: Low
Jet Packs Every once in a while Discover or Wired has an article about how someone out there has invented a real jet pack and can even fly in it, and the days of mass-produced jet packs available to everyone can't be far away. When this day comes, we will become the most easily bought species in the cosmos. "Oh, you'd like to hang on to your civil rights?" the robots will say. "What if you had a shiny new jet pack? Would you be willing to serve us then?" We will of course be so distracted by chrome-plated turbo jets that we'll forget what we were talking about, and happily sign whatever is shoved in front of us so we can gleefully soar the skies and pretend to be Iron Man.
Danger Potential Rating: Terrible but you won't care
Television Some people deliberately refuse to watch any television because it "rots your brain;" there are probably more people who spend 6 hours a day watching shows they don't even like very much. Both extremes are equally stupid. Television isn't going to do anything to your brain. It's just a means of transmitting one of many forms of entertainment. There are books out there that are at least as bad as that show about the cavemen from the Geico commercials, but it takes more effort to read the book, so you'll never know about it.
Danger Potential Rating: Chill out already
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Recommended Reading
While I work on my first assignment, here is one of the funniest and best things I have read on the internet in a long time:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/the-different-kinds-ofpeople-that-there-are/Content?oid=1206006
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/the-different-kinds-ofpeople-that-there-are/Content?oid=1206006
Sunday, April 12, 2009
What's all this about then
I like to write, but I have problems with... motivation. By which I mean I have been paralyzed by insecurities since before I graduated college, despite having a writing minor. But that ends here! On this blog I will complete assignments. You can give me assignments - whatever you want to see me write, I will attempt it. Ask me to write a poem, an academic essay, a recipe, a story. Something made up or something true. Something personal or abstract. If I don't get assignments I will make up my own, but I'd much rather hear from you.
Assignment guidelines!
1. Please give me something more specific than "write a story."
2. Leave feedback if you have any thoughts/suggestions.
3. Give me assignments by making a comment to a post or emailing me at needsmoreglitter@gmail.com.
My hope is that this way I will get practice writing things other than rambling essays in my journal that never get revised beyond the first draft. And that I will regain some of that self-confidence I once had.
Assignment guidelines!
1. Please give me something more specific than "write a story."
2. Leave feedback if you have any thoughts/suggestions.
3. Give me assignments by making a comment to a post or emailing me at needsmoreglitter@gmail.com.
My hope is that this way I will get practice writing things other than rambling essays in my journal that never get revised beyond the first draft. And that I will regain some of that self-confidence I once had.
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