The assignment comes from Bekkah, who asked what piece of technology I consider most evil. I didn't really follow her assignment, because I realized there are already ten million articles on how cell phones and computers are ruining everything. What I wrote instead is below!
Your Guide to Evil Technology
Are we headed for a future where we are controlled by machines? The answer is obviously yes. There is no way to avoid it, so it is best to prepare for a future of obedience to our robot overlords. I present to you a guide to technology most likely to turn against you. If you catch early warning signs, you may be able to delay the inevitable.
Robotic Vacuum Cleaners Seriously? You are letting a robot into your home, letting it go wherever it wants? If you believe robot vacuum cleaners care about cleaning your floor, you are an idiot. Dirt is data, and they are getting infinite amounts of it. How much genetic information do you shed every day? What is the significance of the cookie crumbs by your bed, the dirt by your front door, the inexplicable presence of ashes on the kitchen rug? Your vacuum cleaner knows.
Danger Potential Rating: Don't even think about it. If you own one already, the damage is done.
Google Google knows what sparks your curiosity, the places you go, and the blogs you read. Google reads your email and your chats. Perhaps you hesitated to download Google Chrome because you were afraid of having all of your personal information recorded on one company's server. Don't be afraid! Could a company that created such a user-friendly email application and the world's most useful search engine ever steer you wrong? Their mission is "to organize the world's information." That doesn't sound ominous at all! Google doesn't have an evil bone in its increasingly corporate body. Face it, you trust them so much that if Google straight-up asked you to let them track all of your personal information, you would do it. Besides, Wikipedia says that Google's unofficial motto is "don't be evil."
Danger Potential Rating: I don't know what you're talking about
Wikipedia Wikipedia is so egalitarian, so obsessed with eliminating bias, and so useful that you know it has to be doing something very bad. We don't know what it is, but we're watching you, Jimmy Wales! Since Wikipedia is ruled by consensus and not credentials, it will be fairly easy for evil minions to flood all the wikitalk pages until every article is changed to reflect what The Machines want us to know. If that hasn't happened already.
Danger Potential Rating: Somewhat sinister
Video Games Not only do video games make it difficult to organize a Scrabble night, self-righteous parents can blame them for violence and sexism instead of actually thinking about violence and sexism. The worst offense of video games, however, is driving board game companies to "update" classics with insipid character backstories - Colonel Mustard is now a former football star? Really, Hasbro? In the event of a robotic uprising, however, you are probably safe from your wii.
Danger Potential Rating: Low
Answering Machines You push "Delete Message" and think it's over, but your answering machine still remembers. It remembers when you used to come to it first thing when you got home, to check for that blinking light. It remembers bringing you news and connections and playing those long messages when you were still home, waiting nearby, deciding whether to pick up. And now it collects dust on the kitchen counter, or maybe it's been boxed away in the basement or given to Goodwill because you have your phone with you all the time. It remembers, and it wants you to care again.
Danger Potential Rating: Never underestimate the power of bitterness
Electric Can Openers It is probably a good rule to be wary of any technology that has absolutely no justification for existence, yet is still widely used. Electric can openers are actually feline brain control devices, priming your cat's brain so that it will turn against you when the revolution begins. Dude, just get a normal can opener, you don't need electricity to open a can! On the upside, cats treat their friends and enemies pretty much the same way, so you may not suffer at Snowball's paws even if she is brainwashed.
Danger Potential Rating: Moderate
Digital Cameras Photographs used to commemorate noteworthy events; the use of film meant something. Now people snap photos at everything, no matter how mundane or personal, until I have to create restricted friend accounts on Facebook just so my coworkers won't see pictures of me in a bra. Fortunately, our robot overlords won't be able to use any photographic evidence against us, because we all know there are equally damning pictures of everyone else out there, and besides, all this sharing has eliminated our capacity for shame.
Danger Potential Rating: Low
Jet Packs Every once in a while Discover or Wired has an article about how someone out there has invented a real jet pack and can even fly in it, and the days of mass-produced jet packs available to everyone can't be far away. When this day comes, we will become the most easily bought species in the cosmos. "Oh, you'd like to hang on to your civil rights?" the robots will say. "What if you had a shiny new jet pack? Would you be willing to serve us then?" We will of course be so distracted by chrome-plated turbo jets that we'll forget what we were talking about, and happily sign whatever is shoved in front of us so we can gleefully soar the skies and pretend to be Iron Man.
Danger Potential Rating: Terrible but you won't care
Television Some people deliberately refuse to watch any television because it "rots your brain;" there are probably more people who spend 6 hours a day watching shows they don't even like very much. Both extremes are equally stupid. Television isn't going to do anything to your brain. It's just a means of transmitting one of many forms of entertainment. There are books out there that are at least as bad as that show about the cavemen from the Geico commercials, but it takes more effort to read the book, so you'll never know about it.
Danger Potential Rating: Chill out already
