A Disturbing Ad... Or Maybe Not

A friend of mine shared this post in Google Reader, with a note saying, "Definitely not okay."




















Via Best Week Ever

Three things struck me about this post, one thing at a time. At first, I found the ad itself quite disturbing. In the background, a little girl is asleep or passed out in a bent over position on a couch, with her panties visible and some of her toys nearby. In the foreground, a man is holding his finger to his lips in a "Shhh, don't tell anyone!" gesture. His facial expression is pretty ridiculous, and gives me the impression that this is supposed to be funny. There is some text, but I can't read it. My first thought when I saw it was that it is, as the poster says, Not Alright.

The second thing I thought interesting was the post itself. The blogger at Best Week Ever basically says this is a subway ad from "Thailand or Taiwan or whatever." It was sent to him by a friend who took a photo of it, but he doesn't know what country this friend was in, and seems to think it doesn't matter. He also shows no interest in finding out what the ad is for or what the text says. The whole tone of the post seems to say, "Look at this ridiculously awful pedophile ad from one of those interchangeable Asian countries!"

The last thing I wanted to mention didn't occur to me until I read the comments. A few people thought it was an ad for the air conditioning unit visible on the wall behind the girl. In this interpretation, the ad is saying this air conditioning unit is so quiet that the girl has fallen asleep, and her father doesn't want her to wake up. I have no idea if it is really an ad for an AC unit, but this made me think - the original poster on Best Week Ever, most of the commenters, my friend and I all looked at this image and assumed it was making a joke out of child rape. Off the top of my head I can think of two reasons for this assumption. One is the idea us Westerners have that non-Western countries are less civilized, and therefore places where bad things can happen and no one will care. In particular, Asian countries are assumed to be havens for human trafficking and child prostitution. Though those are very real problems in some countries, that doesn't mean it should color our interpretations of a subway advertisement depicting a nice, middle class home. Another possible explanation for the assumptions I and others made about this ad is that we are used to seeing little girls sexualized in American media. We see ads all the time that show young girls in sexy poses and clothes, so that when we look at this image of a girl asleep on a couch with her butt in the air we assume something awful is going on. But maybe someone who isn't used to seeing children made to look sexy would just look at this ad and see a sweet scene of a girl sleeping and a father trying not to wake her.

Sherlock Holmes: A Love Too Great to Contain

This has been languishing in my notebook for a while now, and I know that for this to be relevant I should have posted it months ago. Let's just say that timeliness is one of my areas for personal growth and leave it at that.

Robert Downey, Jr. said in an interview recently that he thinks Sherlock Holmes is “a very butch homosexual.” This would explain the lack of on-screen chemistry he had with Rachel McAdams. Predictably, the Conan Doyle estate is not amused, and they've said that if Downey doesn't ix-nay on the ay-gay he won't be doing the sequel. This debate is nothing new, of course. There is a long-lasting divide between those who think the deep affection between Holmes and Watson can only be the product of sexxxy times, and those who take offense at the suggestion that their friendship ever transgressed the bounds of straight-laced Victorian manners.

The are-they-or-aren't-they speculation isn't unique to Holmes and Watson, either. There's another detective whose relationship with his best friend is the subject of much winking and nudging. I'm speaking, of course, about Batman and Superman.

“But wait!” you protest, “Wouldn't Batman and Robin be a more accurate comparison?” Many people would agree with you, but you're wrong. Watson may act as Holmes' trusty sidekick, but he's no one's ward. At the end of the day Watson is Holmes' truest friend and equal partner in anti-crime. And, as with the World's Finest, a binary model of sexual preference is just too limited to contain their super love. There is ample evidence that all four men have genuine attraction and interest in the opposite sex, but those feelings will always be eclipsed by the love they have for each other.

The similarities between Sherlock Holmes and Batman are obvious; after all, you can't call your character the “World's Greatest Detective” without paying homage to the original master. Batman, like Holmes, is a solitary man, sacrificing personal relationships for the sake of fighting evil in his beloved but notoriously crime-ridden city. Thanks to their obsessive natures and extreme intelligence, they are both the best at hunting down criminals – and they both feel disconnected from the ordinary humans they fight so hard to protect. And of course, neither man has much time or patience for romance, with the exception of the women who can outsmart them: Catwoman and Irene Adler.

The Watson-Superman connection takes a little more thought, but since I have recently read every Sherlock Holmes story Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ever wrote, I am (by internet standards) an expert. Watson may not be a superhero, but he is a war veteran and doctor. Despite his self-reported character flaws, he is unquestionably a good guy. Like Superman, he is popular with the ladies; in A Study in Scarlet he mentions conquests in “five continents.” Eventually, he and Superman both settle down with smart-but-safe women, who they no doubt love very dearly. But both Lois Lane and Mary Morstan must be resigned to the fact that their husbands will dash off at the merest word from their detective friends, always ready to abandon spousal duties and their day jobs to help out on a case. And, probably, totally do it off-panel.

So why do most people insist on reducing these complicated relationships to a question of gay or straight? Anything beyond those two options never enters the debate. And our understanding of the world's best crime-fighting duos is forever made less interesting.

A Dilemma

One of the first assignments I got was from Marina, who asked me to write a humorous short story using certain words and phrases. A scene immediately came to mind, and I began writing right away. Then I remembered why I haven't attempted to write fiction since high school: I have no idea what I'm doing. The story has a directionless plot, too many characters, an unclear concept, and a villain so mysterious that even I don't know what makes her evil, or if she's evil, or what horrible deeds she's done. So I ask you: When you're working on something and it's just not working out, how do you decide whether to start over, keep soldiering through, or give up altogether?

In memoriam: list-making

My great-aunt Mary Schaub recently passed away. She was a writer, and a compulsive list-maker (and, judging from the old school books I uncovered at her house, has been since birth). So in her honor, I present here some lists.

Things I am afraid of:
1. Car crashes
2. Cannibalism
3. Senility
4. The dark
5. Amputation
6. Bed bugs
7. Raccoons

Things I highly recommend:
1. Yukon gold potatoes. Seriously, you will never go back to white potatoes again.
2. The library.
3. Re-reading books you haven't read since childhood.
4. Hot beverages - tea, coffee, cocoa. They always make you feel better, one way or another.
5. Vodka pie crust. Just try it.
6. Watching TV shows on DVD after they've ended.
7. Making your own granola. It's easy, cheap, and you can put exactly what you want into it.
8. Annie's White Cheddar Bunnies

Things I wish I had:
1. Long underwear
2. An disco ball
3. An exterminator
4. Sleeping pills
5. Skills

Best places to disappear for a few years to attain a mysterious aura:
1. Antarctica
2. Russia
3. Any desert
4. Montana

Best things to drink after a Very Bad Day:
1. Hot tea
2. Hot chocolate
3. Hot chocolate with Bailey's
4. Beer

If you enjoy lists as much as Mary and me, here are some great places to look at lists:
1. http://blablablamarina.blogspot.com/ Lovely lists from the lovely Marina!
2. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/ I think anyone can submit a list to this site, and some of them are pretty excellent.

How to be a tourist without traveling, spending money, or saying the word "staycation"

This assignment comes from a phone conversation with my brother, who suggested I make my own tour guide. I promise the recommendations that follow have more to do with fighting boredom than the recession.

How to be a tourist without traveling or spending any money

So you can't afford a trip, or take time off of work, and whenever someone says "staycation" you want to lock them in the trunk of their own car. And you are also so sick of your town. Anyone can find free gallery openings and half-off movie nights, but what you need is to find a tourist's appreciation for the place where you live. You will not achieve this by visiting all the attractions you took your parents to when they visited, or in fact by doing anything you've done before. But if you follow this advice, you will surely feel like a stranger in a strange land.

First, get a camera. Documentation of your journey is crucial in order to experience it fully. Try to get a film camera, ideally a disposable, so you can't see the photos until you get them developed.

Find some clothes in your closet that you haven't put on in a very long time, and wear them.

Get on a bus line you've never traveled on before. If you don't normally ride the bus, all the better to feel unsure of yourself. Stop on a street you've never seen. Take pictures of the loneliest thing you find there. Walk for a while, without any destination in mind.

Keep catching buses and getting off and walking until you are lost. If you really put your mind to it, you can end up somewhere strange and vaguely menacing in its unfamiliarity, unable to remember exactly how you got there or how to return. Allow the anxiety to build as you try and fail to get back to a place you recognize. Panic.

Ask a stranger for directions. Feel relieved and comforted by the fact that no matter where you are, somebody knows what's going on.

Once you have your bearings again, find a tall hotel, office tower, or apartment building with roof access. Don't research this ahead of time; instead, go to the tourist center of town and just walk into buildings as if you belong there, and see if you can get to the roof. Sometimes you need a key to get through the door at the top, so you may have to wait for a guest and follow behind them. If it's too cold for that to happen, just try different hotels until you find one that's more accommodating.

Breathe deeply. Photograph the view, and then just look at it. Stay on the roof for at least twenty minutes, or until you want to leave - whichever takes longer.

Have a picnic somewhere you wouldn't normally picnic, like the lawn in front of someone else's office building, or a parking lot. This works equally well whether you are alone or with another traveler. Don't just hastily scarf down a sandwich - the key is to really make a meal of it. Bring a main course, side dishes, plates, silverware, cups and a beverage. Lay everything out on a blanket. Take your time eating, savoring the meal, your solitude (or your company), and your surroundings.

When you get back on the bus, listen closely to someone else's conversation. Imagine what their life is like, or what they look like, or what the other side of the conversation is. Take notes.

Back home, go to your back yard or, if you don't have one, any patch of grass you walk by every day. Lay down on your stomach, and observe the tiny fauna you find in front of you. Attempt some wildlife photography with your camera. Stay there until you feel really itchy.

As night approaches, congratulate yourself for your sense of adventure. It's time to put on some swanky party music and pour yourself a drink - tomorrow you'll go back to being a local.

The Perfect Dessert

This post is coming a few weeks after I promised it - I have no excuse for myself. This assignment comes from Katie, who asked me to describe the perfect dessert. I'm honestly not too happy with what I came up with, but I didn't want this blog to languish un-updated forever. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated in the comments or emailed to needsmoreglitter@gmail.com!

How to make the perfect dessert

You will taste many amazing desserts in your life; it is inevitable that one of them will be the best. But will you know it when it's in front of you? Will you ever be able to pinpoint which confection was better than the others? If you judge by taste, perfection is impossible to know with any certainty. But taste is not all that matters. The foods you remember are not necessarily the ones that shook up your taste buds, but those you had to earn. The cakes and pies that caused some drama, some pain - those are what you'll still be talking about a year later. The cookies that placated your angry neighbor. The cheesecake you made after driving through an ice storm at 1am to buy more cream cheese. The pie filling recipe that went horribly wrong, but miraculously turned out delicious anyway.

This kind of perfection is impossible to predict or obtain intentionally. However, there are ways to manipulate the circumstances. Following is a recipe guaranteed to be dramatic to prepare and heavenly to eat. Just make sure you're not making it alone - it's too much excitement for one person.

Bananes flambées

Step one: Soak some raisins in dark rum for an hour. Only, you won't want to wait an hour to start cooking, so instead microwave the raisins + rum for a few seconds. You're not sure if this actually makes a difference, but it seems like it might.

Step two: Slice two or three bananas in half lengthwise and cook them in generous amounts of butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar until soft. Turn off the heat.

Step three: Pour rum + raisins over the bananas.

Step four: Ignite the rum. If you're using matches instead of a lighter, you'll be tempted to just toss the lit match into the pan, since you don't want to burn your fingers off. This won't work - risk your fingers! It will be worth it, I promise.

Step five: Watch the pretty fire until it goes out.

Step six: Serve with copious amounts of whipped cream - homemade or Reddi-whip.

Post of Shame

The entire point of starting this blog was so that I would actually, you know, do some writing. I have many excuses for not posting anything in over two months, but that is no excuse! I have a few assignments in the early stages, and I will finish at least one of them by the end of this week.

If you like assignments as much as I do, I highly recommend you check out Learning To Love You More. It is a site created by two artists - they made assignments, and readers completed them and submitted reports. The results are sometimes hilarious or heart-breaking. Unfortunately, they are no longer accepting submissions. But I am thinking of completing some of their assignments and posting them here. What do you think?